For many, the holiday season is a time of deep ambivalence. A mix of feelings may be present, all equally powerful and fighting for attention at the fore of one’s consciousness. There’s excitement about seeing loved ones that have not been physically present in some time, a pull toward embracing them, eagerness to hear more of their life story. This held alongside anxious anticipation about how the season’s conflicts will present this year. Will political fights erupt at the table, will near-ancient grudges emerge as catty comments, will one guest monopolize the conversation or make others feel uncomfortable? How can we stay grounded around the difficult people we care so much about at a time that we wish could be suffused with only warmth and love?
First, before the gathering begins, take a moment to consider one or two personal goals. Your goal might be to catch up with your favorite family member about what they have been up to, or it may be to remain kind to yourself and others throughout the gathering. It can also help to come up with a specific plan for anticipated difficult scenarios, like taking a few breaths when you feel your emotional temperature rising, or committing yourself to jumping into helping with food prep, clean up, or playing with the kids when tensions start to rise.
Decide on which of your values you want to ground yourself in before the gathering, and remind yourself of these values throughout. For example, if you want to stand for patience, compassion, and good energy, remember to reconnect with these traits when others’ behaviors may be challenging you. Difficult topics don’t necessarily need to be off the table, but if conflict is predictable, think about whether it is worth engaging in such conversations at this gathering before attending, and stick with your valued intentions. Remind yourself when you feel the pull of getting drawn into a conflict that it’s often more effective to stay grounded than to be “right”. Choose responses to others that reflect your greater values beyond winning the day’s argument.
A little bit of mindful thought and planning can anchor and prepare you for having more meaningful and pleasant moments in any gathering. Plan to use your to help make this holiday season be one that is directed toward intentionality, connection to others, and to your chosen values.
