Blog

You’re feeling disconnected from yourself and others in your life. The loneliness feels acute and biting. Others seem to easily connect, to be lighthearted and engaged, while you stand back, observing rather than participating, doubting and questioning why it feels so different for you.

The pain of loneliness can feel impossible to overcome. It feeds into a spiral of further isolation and withdrawal, as you convince yourself that no one could understand your experience and so remove yourself from others’ company or confidence. And it feeds into a spiral of shame, as you find fault in yourself for your pain and try to hide yourself, thinking you’re undeserving of others.

The cycle of loneliness, shame, isolation and withdrawal is self-perpetuating, but it can be interrupted. First, acknowledge that feelings of loneliness are deeply human, and represent our uniquely human need to connect with others. All of us carry the need to connect, and we’ve all experienced the pain of separation or being “out of sync” from those we crave connection with. Try to reframe the pain of loneliness into a sign that you care for something valuable- human connection, understanding, and relationship.

Second, find small ways to break the self-perpetuating cycle by tackling the urge to isolate and withdraw. Actively approach what you are tempted to avoid. Is there a New Year’s party you’ve heard about but you don’t know anyone going? Try to push yourself to go, even if for a short time. Go with an open and curious mind. You may meet someone new and interesting, or have a fun time dancing to some great tunes by yourself. The point here is to not isolate. You may or may not find someone to connect with, but the alternative of staying home alone reinforces the cycle of loneliness. If there’s a possibility that going out feels better than staying in alone, seize the opportunity and open yourself up to having a good time.

Third, choose one or two people who are already in your circle and feel safe to be a little more vulnerable with. If you’re not one to normally initiate plans, is there someone you could be willing to take the risk with to text and see if they’re free for a New Year’s Day or Sunday brunch? If you have a group of friends but don’t feel particularly close with anyone, is there one person you might begin to have more open conversations or slightly more frequent get-togethers with? Vulnerability with others can feel scary, but is the key to unlocking closeness and intimacy.

Finally, have compassion for and take good care of yourself. Remember, feelings of loneliness mean you deeply value a sort of connection, intimacy and attachment that you don’t have in this moment. Be kind to yourself for experiencing this very human pain. Do something nice for yourself- take a walk somewhere you love, treat yourself to a massage or a concert, throw yourself into a favorite hobby. Being kind to yourself will foster a greater connection within, and may even help transform the pain of loneliness into an enriching experience of being alone.

                                  Making it Through the Holiday Season​

For many, the holiday season is a time of deep ambivalence. A mix of feelings may be present, all equally powerful and fighting for attention at the fore of one’s consciousness. There’s excitement about seeing loved ones that have not been physically present in some time, a pull toward embracing them, eagerness to hear more of their life story. This held alongside anxious anticipation about how the season’s conflicts will present this year. Will political fights erupt at the table, will near-ancient grudges emerge as catty comments, will one guest monopolize the conversation or make others feel uncomfortable? How can we stay grounded around the difficult people we care so much about at a time that we wish could be suffused with only warmth and love?

First, before the gathering begins, take a moment to consider one or two personal goals. Your goal might be to catch up with your favorite family member about what they have been up to, or it may be to remain kind to yourself and others throughout the gathering. It can also help to come up with a specific plan for anticipated difficult scenarios, like taking a few breaths when you feel your emotional temperature rising, or committing yourself to jumping into helping with food prep, clean up, or playing with the kids when tensions start to rise.

Decide on which of your values you want to ground yourself in before the gathering, and remind yourself of these values throughout. For example, if you want to stand for patience, compassion, and good energy, remember to reconnect with these traits when others’ behaviors may be challenging you. Difficult topics don’t necessarily need to be off the table, but if conflict is predictable, think about whether it is worth engaging in such conversations at this gathering before attending, and stick with your valued intentions. Remind yourself when you feel the pull of getting drawn into a conflict that it’s often more effective to stay grounded than to be “right”. Choose responses to others that reflect your greater values beyond winning the day’s argument.

A little bit of mindful thought and planning can anchor and prepare you for having more meaningful and pleasant moments in any gathering. Plan to use your to help make this holiday season be one that is directed toward intentionality, connection to others, and to your chosen values.